Kratos in Telitubbieland
by Tatakau Tsubasa
Summary: Kratos begins to have hallucinations on Derris-Kharlan postgame. Various murders and other random nonsense shortly follows behind. Where does this lead...? Nowhere. Kratos's screwed. T for language, drug use, and other stuff. *11/28/08* Special 1 is up!
1. Hell on TV

Kratos had recently gone through an intensive surgery for meicliosis. The doctors told Kratos that he may experience hallucinations, but he totally ignored them.

But now that he was on Derris-Kharlan, he was really screwed.

-----------------------

Kratos woke up in a daze, as he usually was. All he dreamt were nightmares about the night when he last seen Anna...when he killed her...when he lost Lloyd...

He came out of that thought by wondering how much brighter it was, instead of the dreary purple. It was so bright it nearly exploded his eyes.

As his eyes finally came into focus, he noticed he wasn't on Derris-Kharlan anymore. He was in a hilly area, full of all sorts of flowers, not to mention a giant pinwheel. Rabbits were hopping all over the place, and the sun had a huge face in it. A baby face.

...Wait. WTF?!

Kratos rubbed his eyes. Sure enough, he was staring at a sun with the face of a baby. _I have to be dreaming,_ he thought.

He heard a slight rumbling behind him. He turned to the noise, and saw a periscope-type object come up from behind.

There was a slight static, then the periscope talked. "Telitubbies, Telitubbies, come out and play," it started chanting, "the sun has given you something to play!"

Kratos just stared at the periscope. He shuddered at the sound.

Somewhere he heard screams of "Goddammit, Gladys! We don't care!" Four monsters came from behind a hill. One had a red man purse–uh,bag– and was purple with a triangle on his head. Another was green with a retarted hat on. Yet another one had a squiggly thing on her yellow body, and was with a red ball. The last one, however, was the most hideous.

The shortest of the four, he had a circle on his head, was red, and carried a gun.

Kratos stared at the small one in shock. Why would a midget carry a gun? He didn't need it; he could just carry a sword or something.

"Uh," he began to say, "where...am I?"

The yellow creature got closer to Kratos, then poked him. "He talked!" it whispered in amazement.

The purple being poked it to. Then the green one. Then the red one poked him with its gun. "He looks funny," it said. "Are you sure he's not a cameraman?"

The purple one just vomited. He then shook his fist toward the sky with bile streaming from his mouth. "Damn children!" he cursed. "I'll get you yet for busting my cable!"

Kratos just stared at the purple thing. _The hell...?_


	2. Judgment

**Yay! Chapter two! Enjoy!**

I don't anything.

* * *

Kratos stared at the creatures from his room. It had been at least a hour sihnce he 'crash-landed' on the world. He discovered their names were Tinky-Winky, Dipsy, Lala, and Po.

Who the crap named these weirdos? It sounded like something that Mithos and Yuan would come up with when they got drunk...

Kratos was unsure about the small one, Po. He always carried that gun with him, and gave him that pissed look every time they locked eyes. Kratos just assumed he was jealous of him because everyone was going gaga over him and not Po's pimp-gun.

The foursome were also on a television, the "Telitubbies." Apparently, they were named that because they were obese, and they had televisions on their stomachs. Go figure.

It was Tinky-Winky's turn to be the television for the hour, so he sat on a chair and went to sleep. Dipsy prodded the purple beast to change the channel. Apparently, it had all kinds of languages displayed on the television, so they even watched the good episodes of Naruto. Lala always went gaga over Sauske and Itachi. They even watched a few commercials with Kratos in them. The star said nothing. Lala wanted to glomp the TV because Kratos was in it. He just sighed and went back to his room.

Dipsy was spewing out some goo from a spout; and Kraots had a front row seat from his room. It kept making all kinds of obscene farting noises as it came out, so Kratos had to bury is head in his pillow so Lala couldn't hear him laughing and thus start glomping _him._

After he wiped his eyes from laughter, he walked back outside. As he stood on the hill, feathers started to surround him, and sky-blue wings erupted from his back. They fluttered a bit, and Kratos took off. He saw rabbits hopping along, and he swore he saw some Oompa Loompas running around (he had recently watch the original Charlie and the Chocolate Factory.)

"Kratooooooooooooooooooooooooooooos-kun!"

_Aw crap,_ he thought as he turned toward the hill. The Tubbies were standing there. Tinky-Winky and Lala were jumping up and down, as Po was brandishing his gun.

Now, _that _was the last time he watched his Japanese soaps on Lala . . .

Kratos landed gracefully on the hill. "Oh, Kratos!" Lala swooned. "You are sooooooo cool!"

Po laughed. "He's nothing much," he muttered to himself.

Kratos stared at Po. Po stared back. Tinky-Winky took a tinkle. Lala was foaming at the mouth. Dipsy watched the pinwheel. It started spinning like mad. Pink sparks appeared around the wheel part.

"Guys," Dipsy said, "it's gonna be big. The camera guys are coming. We didn't practice the Bingo scene."

Tinky-Winky screamed. "But, we gotta do out crappy repetition scene AGAIN!"

Po punched Dipsy. "That's why it's called _repetition_, retard," he corrected.

Kratos just sighed. _What the hell am I going through...and when_'s _lunch?_


	3. Telefatties!

**Guys, thanks for giving me great reviews! I just want to hug you ALL!**

**Now, the main topic: SAVE KRATOS!**

**My answer: No. I'm giving him emotional grief in this chapter, so he is totally screwed.**

**Don't own anything, except the cameraguys. Enjoi!**

* * *

"Kratos," Dipsy hissed as the four rushed the non-monster inside. Keep inside your room. Don't come out until I say so."

"Why?" Kratos was ignored by everyone as Lala pushed him in, then giggled. The door slammed, leaving Kratos in his room alone.

---

It was at least half an hour since they left in the room. He then realized that nature was calling in the bowels of Kratosland. He wasn't supposed to leave, but would he rather keep his word or soil himself...

Kratos preferred not to soil himself, so he opened the door. The area in front of his was empty, so he walked arond until he found Po showing his gun off in front of everyone. In front of a camera. "Lala," he whispered as the camera guy focused on the two, "where's the bathroom?"

She sighed and pointed toward the door outside. "We don't have one, so go outside," she said emotionlessly. He could've sworn she was embarrassed.

"Lala," one of the guys said, "this is a _children's show. _Not those sad Teletubbies fanfictions. We all remember Teletubbies Unleashed ..."

"Yes..."

"Get rid of the sad inappropriate humor, please. But," she motioned with his hand, and all cameras circled around Kratos, "this guy is interesting. Your sex toy, Lala?"

"W-what?" Kratos looked at Lala, but she shook her head.

"Oh." The guy turned to Kratos. "Michael Lloyd, at your service."

Kratos raised an eyebrow. "...Lloyd?"

Michael smiled. "Oh, you know me?"

"I have a son named Lloyd..."

"Oh." He turned to the camera crew. "Guys, let's incorporate this guy into the show. Who's with me?"

A girl stood up and squealed. "He looks like Kratos from ToS!"

Kratos gave a blank look. "How..."

Michael sighed and turned to Kratos. "Sorry. Anna is a game freak. She loves Tales of Symphonia."

Kratos said nothing. Michael turned back to his camera and clapped. "Let's roll!"

Kratos kept staring at Anna, who was making fangirl noises. Then he soiled himself.

* * *

**I apologise to all people that write Teletubbies fanfics. No, I pity.**

**No offense to the guy who wrote Teletubbies Unleashed.**


	4. Violence is Bad!

**Wow! Chapter Four! It took forever to write, since I got writer's block for about a week halfway through this chapter! And I took even more to take the time to actually type this!**

**...and so we go.**

**Disclaimer: I don't own ToS, Teletubbies (thank God!)**, **the name Michael Lloyd (he is an actual person!), Oscar Meyer, or West Side Story. I do own Dr.Schniffenhaimer, however. I just came up with that really fast.**

"...okay, Kratos, just stand there," Mike said as he positioned Kratos on the hill. He was to star as one of those 'suprises' Po usually gets. Mike ran behind the camera and yelled "action!", and the cameras started rolling.

Anna held up huge cards with Kratos' lines on them. "Po," he said, "violence is bad! You don't need that gun!"

Po acted dumb. "Viowenca?" He acted retarted, more like.

"The gun, Po. It's bad!" he reached out for it, but Po took it back.

"No! My precious..." Po began cradling it in his arms.

Kratos sighed. "Po, do you wanna be like Billy?" He pointed to Lala, who had a movie on. It was _West Side Story_. It was the scene where the Latino wonder got shot and died. Maria cried, then committed suicide.

"Alejandro," she said as she died, "I'm gay." Her boyfriend watched her in shock.

Po cried, "N...no..."

Kratos held out his hand. "Then give me the gun!"

Po looked at his gun, then Mike, the Kratos, then some porn, and smiled. "You can die, b!" Po cackled as he cocked his gun and fired at Kratos.

With his Matrix-like reflexes, he dadged easily.

Mike happened to be right behind Kratos. He was shot in the head, and was out before he hit the ground.

"Eeeeeheeheeheeheeheeheehee!" Po cackled. He hopped on his scooter, hit the 'pimp me up' button, and took off once it turned into the Oscar Meyer-weiner car.

"Someone call 911!" Anna screamed. At that moment, the ambulance came. They took Mike, then left.

---

Dipsy, Anna, Kratos, Lala, and Tinky-Winky waited in the hobbit-hole. Actually, it was more like Anna and Kratos, because Lala and Dipsy were b-slapping each other and Tinky-Winky was taking a smoke.

A doctor came in. "Can I talk to the parents?"

Kratos walked up (with some funny glances by everyone).

"Mike," the doctor began, "he was shot in the head. We're operating on him as we speak. He may not survive."

Tinky-Winky gagged. "Yes! I don't have to smoke in the Love Dungeon anymore!"

Silence.

"But," the doctor continued, "I have more. Good or bad?"

Dipsy yelled, "The fricking news!"

Silence.

Dr. Schniffenhaimer asked in a low voice, "Are they pregnant?" Kratos shrugged. "Ah, well...he may survuve, but he cannot produce again."

Lala asked, "Produce children?"

Silence.

"Uh, I meant the show."

"Oh!"

Kratos sighed. "Well, I guess the show's postponed."

---

It was really boring the next day. Kratos and Anna were talking about Magnius and his obsession with vermin. Dipsy and Lala were attempting to play Pong with Lala's ball, and Tinky-Winky was smoking _freely_ in the house.

Outside, Gladys was chanting the thing she said when Kratos first arrived again. Then, there was a knock on the door. Anna got up, walked over, and opened the door.

"Hey baby," said a familiar voice, "where am I?"

Kratos walked over and stared at the visitor. "You're in hell, Zelos."

**Oooooo, Sir Zelos Wilder! Coincidentally, I was watching everyone's favorite show when I wrote the last part of the chapter! IT WAS RESEARCH!**

**One question: Should I change this to M? I'm still debating.**

**So, review now, or expect a 'Teletubbies Season 1' DVD set in your mail!**


	5. We're All In This Together

Zelos stared blankly at Kratos. "How the heck did you get here?" he asked.

Kratos stared back. "I'd love to ask you the same question, Chosen."

"...wait!" Anna exclaimed. "So this--" she pointed to Zelos "--is Zelos? The Zelos Wilder, Chosen of Tethe'alla?"

"...I see I'm popular over here, too!" Zelos beamed. Anna squealed.

"Hey, hot stuff!" Lala said as she started acting goofy around Zelos. "You wanna go out tonight?"

Zelos stared at the yellow beast glomping him. "What the heck is this thing...?"

Kratos sighed, "That's Lala. I think you've got another fangirl, Zelos..."

"I really don't want her as one..."

Dipsy and Tinky-Winky bowed to Zelos. Kratos really needed to stop watching his soaps here. "Pleaseure to meet you," Dipsy said politely. "I'm Dipsy, and that's Tinky-Winky."

Zelos leaned over toward Kratos. "Did Mithos and Yuan come up with these names when they were drunk?"

Kratos chuckled. "That's what I thought when I first heard their names."

Zelos put his arm around Kratos' arm. "Great minds think alike, I guess!"

Anna sighed. "Sure, why not..."

---

Zelos got himself situated with his current predicament and what had just transpired.

"Zelos," Anna asked as they finished bringing him up to date, "what where you doing before you got here? Were you hitting on some lady friend? Possibly Sheena...?"

Zelos stared at Anna. "Yes and no," he answered. "I was hitting on some girl I know, but it wasn't Sheena. Actually, I haven't done that in quite some time..."

"Ooooh Kraaaaaatos! You're on TV again!" Lala could be heard from the other side of the room, where she was watching some random TV show. It was 'Tales of Symphonia: The Animation'. She was foaming and squealing at the same time.

"I am getting really sick of that thing," Anna said, annoyed.

"I don't even get what she is," Zelos chimed.

"I don't want to be here," Kratos muttered to himself.

"Oi! Colette!" A familiar voice was ringing throughout the house. Kratos walked over to where Lala and Tinky-Winky were sitting. A boy in red and a girl with a coat-looking thing were on the Tinky-Winky station.

"It's Lloyd! And Colette! What the...?" Kratos was confused.

Anna followed him, and plopped herself on the couch. "I simply LOVE this game!"

Kratos looked at Anna oddishly. "Game...?"

"Yeah! Tales of Symphonia! It's got you and Zelos and Lloyd and everyone!"

Kratos was obviously intrigued by this. "Mithos?"

"Yup!"

"Yuan?"

"Yup!"

"Those freaky little people I can't remember their names? Like Dorr or something or other?"

"Yes! But I hate them!"

"Me too."

Anna laughed. "It's...well," she tried to explain, "it's a game of what happened between the oracle in Iselia to when you got shipped off to Derris-Kharlan."

"Wait," Zelos interrupted. "This whole game thing I understand. But Kratos, you had to leave on Derris-Kharlan, right?" Kratos nodded. Zelos continued, "...so why are you here? How'd you even get here?"

"I'd love to know that, too," Anna agreed.

Kratos didn't answer. He couldn't come up with an answer. "Uhm," he started, "I don't know. If I knew, I would've probably went back by now. Shouldn't you have an explantion, Zelos?"

Zelos stared at Kratos. "Well, I believe that the mind is playing an inconceivable image in our brains, making it sound legitamite. However, this also could be because of molecular destruction of our bodies, and they reconstructed one little nanoatom by one little nanoatom, and we have arrived in our current area of space and time."

Everyone stared at Zelos. He was apparently too smart for them.

Zelos blushed. "Well, trying to dumb it up, this either could be a hallucination, or we were somehow brought here. I don't know what inconceivable even means."

There were then just random sounds of "Oh!" and "Stop being like Genis, Zelos" and "You just put Lloyd to shame." (Guess who came up with the last two?)

Kratos coughed. "I think I'll take explanation number two."

"This is too good to be a hallucination!" Anna squealed. "I hate Zelos, but still! I love it that he's here! And Kratos, well..." Anna blushed. "...I am a fangirl, after all."

Kratos said nothing. "Hey!" Zelos whined. "Why do you hate me? All the women wuv me wots!" He started hugging himself.

"That's exactly why: You're so full of yourself," was Anna's reply.

Kratos sighed. "...are we going to find a solution?"

Anna sighed, too. "I guess so. I don't think you could stand the wrath of Lala and Po for long."

"But I thought Po left on his Oscar-Weiner-mobile!" Zelos said.

"Yeah, but he'll be back," Lala said ominously. "Po always comes back."

Just then, on the TV, there was a commercial that announced a new brand of bread. "Introducing Kratoast! A part of your daily Tales of Symphonia breakfast!"

Kratos stared at the TV. There was a slice of bread with his head on there.

There was also silence.

* * *

This chapter was particularly useless, and just typed up because I wanted a small portion of seriousness in here. And Anna IS A KRATOS FANGIRL! Just think what'll happen next...hehehe.

I don't even know what inconceivable means or how it's spelled! Imagine that!

So review now, or expect a loaf of Kratoast in your shopping cart the next time you shop at Jewel! And there will be no place to put it back! So you'll have to buy it for $100!


	6. The Unhappiest Place on Earth

**From the depths of deep, comes Chapter 6! Sorry for such the long wait, guys! I couldn't get the file to my main computer! (I have been working on a church computer, and it's older than I am!!) **

**Note: I don't own squat, except maybe Anna.**

* * *

The next day, Anna came back from her house. Kratos begged her to come with, but she said that no one that was on the cast was supposed to leave.

"But Mike's been shot! It's postponed! I was only on once! C'mon Anna, PLEEEEEEASE?" Kratos whined. Anna stared blankly. Apparently, Kratos whining and begging was absolutely new for her. Actually, Kratos had never done it before. He was apparently really desperate.

Anna couldn't resist that, though. "Oh, alright. But don't tell anyone else. The Tubbies don't really have a home, and I don't want Zelos to embarrass me in front of my parents. I'm sure you won't do that?" she asked as she ran her hand through her brunette hair.

"I would never do anything to betray your trust," Kratos promised.

Anna giggled. "Thank you. I usually leave at 5:00. Meet me at the wind turban." She went outside for a walk.

Kratos had a smile on his face for the rest of the day. He probably hadn't felt that happy since he was around Lloyd. . .and Anna.

"Hey, Mister Happy-Pants!" Zelos chirped as he circled his fellow abductee. "What's with the new look on your face? I've never seen you smile!"

Kratos shot him a glare that said 'You'd better be glad that I don't stick my sword through that small brain of yours.'

Zelos stood back, but was still circling him. "Hey, Lala!" he called. "Kratos seems happy for a change!"

With Kratos' name mentioned, Lala came running at the speed of sound. "Ooooh, Kratos-chan! Whaddya so happy about?"

Kratos gave Lala a cold glare. His smile was gone for the moment. "Lala," he said as coldly as his glare was, "it's none of your business."

"But Kratos!" Lala pressed. "I've never seen you this happy before! Something must have happened! Did you have a good dream or something?"

Kratos slapped both of his stalkers really hard. He walked on, then turned back. "That actually made me happy for a change. Zelos, get a life. Lala, I hate you." He walked off, with his smile even brighter.

---

"Hey, Kratos," Tinky-Winky said as he pulled a cookie with a smiley-face on it out of the fridge, "you want Tubby Toast?"

Kratos looked at him. "I would love to have one. Thank you." He took the one from Tinky-Winky's hand, starting nibbling on it, and left a gaping Tinky-Winky.

Dipsy was outside, picking a flower up. "Hey," he said as Kratos walked along the path, "what do you do to keep your body so fit?"

Kratos turned to Dipsy. "Work out, and eat right. That Tubbie Custard ain't going to help you shave off those pounds you want gone. And never stop earning your stripes." He walked off, and left Dipsy to ponder his life choices: to be a Teletubbie or a Teleskinnie.

---

It was 4:50, and Kratos made sure to be at the turban extra early. He didn't want to disappoint Anna. And he really didn't want to put up with everyone tonight. Especially since he had really hurt Lala's feelings.

Anna walked up the hill. "You ready?"

Kratos smiled at Anna. "Yeah."

Anna motioned Kratos to follow her. Kratos pulled out his wings and took off several feet off the ground to avoid suspicion and being noticed. They did not want Lala to try to kill either one of them. They passed the green hilly area and landed right into a parking lot. Kratos touched down, and followed Anna toward a car. Of course, Kratos had no idea how to work it, so Anna had to open the door for him. They smiled, and Anna drove off toward her house.

"So," Kratos said, looking out the window and was awed by the passing streetlights and the different sorts of cars, "what is this thing called?"

Anna said, "This is a car."

"What about this?"

"A streetlight."

"This?"

"Roadkill. Don't look at that. It might eat you."

"Who are they?"

"Uhm, Kratos, don't stare directly in their eyes. They might think you're asking for a death wish."

"Oh." Kratos never looked out the side window again.

---

When they arrived at the house, Kratos didn't know what to say. Was it nice? Was it ugly?

"Well," Anna announced, "this is it! My little home. Whaddya think?"

"It's nice," Kratos complimented. The house was nice indeed. It was a late Victorian-type house with a pale yellow color and matching window-things. It had a small porch and a pile of roadkill on the side. There happened to be a forest preserve right next door, and the street appeared to be busy, so...

Anna walked up the steps leading into the house. "Well, come on in! We're not going to sleep out here next to the roadkill!"

Kratos sheepishly trudged up the porch. Anna held the door open, and he walked in.

Kratos had never been in a somewhat modern home, and he was amazed at everything. How pale a yellow the wall was, how tacky the furniture was. It just seemed...a lot like Heaven, minus all the dreary purple interior decorating. Kratos sighed, remembering how horrible it was decorated. That was the last time Cruxis invited Volt to come do it...

Anna ran halfway up a flight of stairs. "Mom!' she yelled. "Dad! I'm home! And I brought a friend home from work!"

A female's voice could be heard. "Anna, your father is--oh, well, was--asleep! Can't you just tone it down a few decibels?"

"But Mom!" Anna whined. "Come meet Kratos!"

The woman upstairs sighed, and seemed to be moving around, since there were creaks coming from above them. Not to mention dust falling in Kratos' face. Behind him, there was a loud ding! and a door opened. Anna explained, as who he assumed to be her mother came out, that was an elevator. She also said that her mom had MS, and so she couldn't stand up on her own without crumpling to the floor, like a rag doll. She finished by warning him to not talk about it, or she'll start giving you a speech on how fortunate normal people are, with their standing up and being able to move their legs.

Anna's mother seemed middle-aged, long blonde hair with a kindly smile on her face. Kratos didn't feel any hostility in her, so he eased up a bit. "So! You're the Kratos that Anna here keeps ranting about?" she wheeled her wheelchair closer to Kratos, and held out her hand. "It's a pleasure to meet you. I'm Anna's mother, but you can just call me Summer."

Kratos shook her hand. "It's a pleasure to meet you, Summer," he returned.

Summer moved her hands back to her lap. She turned to Anna and asked, "Anna, dear, would you go get some tea please? I'm sure Kratos here is thirsty from the journey from the set."

Kratos was going to object, but Anna elbowed him and walked into the kitchen. Summer motioned to the couch. "Please, have a seat." When Kratos was seated, Summer got real close to him, and narrowed her eyes. "Look here, buddy," she hissed. "Anna can't, but I can see right through that nice guy act of yours. I can see you have had your share of affairs. Now, I will not let you lay one hand on my daughter, or I will call the cops on you and they will arrest you for statutory rape like you're goody-two-shoes friend, Yuan." What Kratos didn't know was she had found a story laying around Anna's room that had dealt with Yuan trying to rape Colette but got arrested becasue Mithos had called the cops on him. But he knew what she was saying was fake, so he said nothing.

Summer slammed the table, making Kratos jump. "See? You're trying to cover it up by not saying anything! I know your kind all too well! I know your ways of treachery and foul play. You will not lay a hand on Anna, or I will chop that hand off! Understood?" Feeling a little frightened, Kratos slowly nodded. She smiled. "Good!"

The tea kettle went off, and soon Anna came back in the room with three cups of tea. "I hope you don't mind vanilla caramel, Mom. It's all of the Chai I could find."

Summer looked up to her daughter and beamed. "Oh, don't worry, honey," she said. "You don't need to worry about such trivial things.

Anna sat down next to Kratos, sipping her tea. "So, have you two became acquainted with yourselves?"

Kratos was about to shake his head, but catching Summer's glare of pure terror, he quickly nodded. "I never knew your mother was such a...talented lady, Anna," he quickly lied, watching Summer's glare turn into a smirk.

"And I never knew that Kratos here worked in a manufacturing factory!" she chimed in. "Now, what was it that you make, Kratos?"

Kratos thought for a moment, then said, "Bouncy balls. People love them so much, that they'll never leave their side. It's almost like they're part of the bouncy ball. Kind of weird, but that's the truth." Anna was actually kind of suprised how he had covered up the Exsphere thing. He did it really well, in her opinion.

"Ah, bouncy balls. But I thought you worked at the Teletubbie set."

Anna put a hand on her leg. "Mom, that was just one episode. It doesn't mean he's going to be there regularly now. It's just a...cameo role, if you will."

"Ah, did Michael ask you to try it? We go a long way back, even back to high school. That's how I got Anna the job there."

Anna nodded, blushing. "Actually, you actually kind of forced me to go because you needed to pay off a debt you had with him thirty years ago, Mom. Now, that he was shot, he'll probably forget what happened and you--actually, it's me who's doing it--won't have to pay the debt off."

Summer gaped. "What? He was shot? You never told me that!" She sniffed. "Well, I guess that's what happens when you stay over there for three straight days, I suppose. Did you ever figure out who did shoot him?"

Kratos and Anna nodded, and said simultaneously, "Po."

Summer nodded, as if she knew already. "Yeah, I suspected so. Ever since I met him at the work party last year, I knew there was something funny about him."

Anna sighed. "Mom, he was high and drunk at the same time then. I'm suprised that his heart didn't just explode out of his chest right then and there."

"Oh, right."

Anna checked her watch, and looked suprised. "Wow! It's that late already?" She turned to Kratos, concerned. "Kratos, we need to get you downstairs. Around now, they're realizing that you split, and they're probably on their way here to take us down. Quick, in the panic room!" She got up and began to drag Kratos to the elevator and hit the 'panic' button. They began descending, and Kratos began to fear for his life. He was thinking about how angry Lala and Zel would be when they got to him. He was thinking about how thin--if that's posssible--Dipsy would be becasue of the tips he gave him. Kratos wouldn't be suprised if he started acting like that huge tiger on TV. He was thinking of how fat Tinky-Winky would get if he kept eating that Tubby Toast and Tubby Custard. He thought about a million other things, too.

The elevator doors finally opened, and Anna shoved Kratos in. "I think we're safe down here," Anna panted as they sat down on a battered couch. "It's a good thing none of them know how to work an elevator, and they just think it's just used to get upstairs and downstairs, so we're safe for a while."

Upstairs, shouts and a loud bang could be heard. "Is this the house?" Zelos' voice could be heard from above. Kratos froze. They were coming for him. . .

Anna walked into the back of the basement, and pulled out a cheap, plastic sword. Actually, she pulled out two: one that looked like Flamberge, and the other was the Vorpal Sword.

Kratos raised an eyebrow. "You stole Lloyd's swords?" he asked, as Anna walked back over and sat down.

Anna shook her head, smiling. "Nah, just my cheap video game merchandise that I bought on eBay. That places rocks. I have at least three three-and-a-half inch figurines of you upstairs. If we make it out alive, and my mother doesn't rat us out, I'll show them to you."

Kratos nodded. "It's a deal, then." Upstairs, shouts ond gurgles could be heard upstairs. And at the elevator, the sound of it slowly moving up made Anna panic.

"Crap!" she yelled, grabbing Kratos by the hand. "She did rat us out! Get farther back!" He followed, and soon they were behind a whole cabinet of canned vegetables and beans.

The elevator door slowly opened, and protruding was Zelos and Lala. Zelos continually had his hand on the hilt of his sword, ready to unsheath it, and Lala was revving up a chainsaw.

Anna sighed, and began to walk into their view. "Hey, guys!" she said, giving a fake laugh and a small wave. "What are you guys doing down here?"

"We know he's here Anna," Lala hissed.

She scratched her head. "Who?"

"Kratos, of course. Give him to us," Zelos warned.

"Did something happen to him? The last time I saw him was when I left the scene. Maybe he just got extremely tired of you guys and left...?"

Zelos took a step closer. "No, my hunnie. He was acting very strangely, and I think I know why."

Kratos silently chuckled. "There's a breakthrough," he said to himself.

"He was planning to come home with you!" Lala screamed, revving up the chainsaw even more.

Upstairs, Tinky-Winky's voice could be heard. "WE FOUND HIM!!!"

Zelos and Lala chuckled. "We knew he was here," Lala said, as they were walking back to the elevator. "We were just playing your game of ignorance." They went upstairs.

Anna sighed, and walked back behind the cabinet. "They left, but I think you should still stay back here."

Kratos bit his lip. "I'm so sorry, Anna," he apologized. "Because of me, your house is..."

"Infected, yes, that's true. But it's nothing a little bug spray can fix." They both laughed. But soon, the elevator opened, and soon all four people--okay, it's more like one person and three things--entered the room.

"Anna, deary!" Lala called. The chainsaw was still on, and it was very loud, so everyone had to yell.

"Wow, Anna!" Tinky-Winky yelled. "I had no idea you so many great shows on your TV! We only get a few American ones, and the rest are all international. I am getting sick of friggin Telemundo!" The others all sweatdropped, and Zelos elbowed him in the TV.

"I'll repeat this again," Zelos said, unsheathing the sword. "Where--is--Kratos?"

Anna whined. "I'm telling you, I don't know! I'll even go help find him! I'm worried!"

Kratos dejectedly sighed. He knew he was going into trouble, either from them and/or Anna's mom, so he just walked out behind the cabinet.

Dipsy slapped Tinky-Winky upside the head. "See? Kratos is larger than a three-and-a-half inch figurine. Well, except maybe in the--" It was Lala's turn to elbow Dipsy.

Kratos sheepishly waved. "Hey, guys. Lookie where you guys show up!" He grimly chuckled, and soon Zelos started to cry.

"KRATOOOOOOOOOOOSS!" He cried, running to the angel and embracing him. "I thought that you'd never come back alive! We were all worried!" Kratos blankly stared. _You call that worried...?_

Lala embraced Kratos. "Let's go home..." she said like Kratos had just been kidnapped by a child molester. She then dragged him up the elevator and back to the set, where Kratos stayed in his room for the rest of the night. "I wanna go home..." he cried to himself.

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**Poor Kratos...he needs a hug.**

**Review. Or the Neighborhood Watch Comittee will come for you!!**


	7. This is Turning Into a Slasher Movie!

**Gasp! Can it be? Yes! It is! Kratos is Teletubbieland chapter 7! Hoorah! I apologize for being so late guys. I haven't had the time to pull the file off of my church's computer (which only uses floppy discs). But I promise, it gets interesting!**

Disclaimer: I DON'T OWN DIDDLY-SQUAT. NOT KRATOS, NOT THE TELETUBBIES, AND NOT EVEN THE GHOST IN QUESTION. OR WEEJA. WHICH IS SPELLED WRONG ON PURPOSE.

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The following morning, Kratos awoke to some very loud screaming.

"Nooooo! Tinky-Winky!"

The angel sighed, and because either Tinky-Winky was dead or was hitting on Lala, he walked out of his room when Anna ran into him, crying. "K-Kratos!" she sniffed. "Tinky-Winky, he's--"

Kratos looked behind Anna, and saw the controversial figure's corpse, mutilated and beaten, dead next to the coffee table. He walked closer. "What happened here? Did he want to re-enact that 300 movie but went terribly wrong?"

Anna motioned to the table. "There's...a note..." she said.

Kratos looked at it, curious about the assumed suicide note that Tinky-Winky had wrote. "Two-for-one walleye baskets at Culvers?" he read aloud, confused.

Anna groaned. "The back side!" she said, a little angry.

Kratos flipped the coupon over, and a terribly written note was on back. He began to read aloud. " 'Dear Anna, Dipsy, Lala, and Shitbag,

This corpse you see here is actually Tinky-Winky's stunt double. The real Tinky-Winky is with me, cruising up and down Las Vegas Boulevard in a stolen Corvette, attempting to hit up the Bellagio like those guys in Ocean's Eleven. We're making a documentary about it, and we're think of calling it The Good, the Bad, and the very Under-Educated, directed by yours truly. Expect it to come out sometime in May. Until then, I'll be taking down each and every one of you single-handedly, before you can say "Rated PG-13 for explicit content."

Your next, Shitbag.' " Kratos looked up at empty space, with the last sentence echoing in his head. He chuckled. "So," he muttered, crumpling up the paper. "He's going to try to kill me."

Dipsy looked up in confusion. "Who?"

Anna frowned. "Who else? Po." The room fell silent, except for the vacuum, which was backed up by whatever of a brain Tinky-Winky had.

Zelos burst in the room, coming from the shower. "Heylo, ladies!!" He cheered...cheerfully as Lala came back with a white cloth, covering the corpse. "How's it going?" Everyone quickly vacated the room, leaving the vacuum and Zelos alone together.

--

That night, Kratos again woke to Anna walking into the room. She whispered, "Let's do it."

Kratos, whose fear was thankfully masked by the darkness, whispered back, "...Do what...?"

Anna climbed on top of him and said, "We're going to hold a seance and attempt to ask the ghost of Tinky-Winky how and why he died."

Kratos, who was immediately relieved, raised an eyebrow. "I thought that Po had killed his stunt double!" he replied.

Anna frowned. "Dude. This is Teletubbies. Even if the episode entails shooting someone, there's no doubles. Whatever Po came up with in that note was just him on crack. Again." She got off him, and led Kratos out into the main room. The tower in the center was set to dim, although the sound level still beeped and booped very loudly. On the floor, Dipsy, Lala, a piece of paper, and an overturned glass were there, waiting for the other two. Anna sat nearest to the paper, while Kratos sat on the other side.

"...I think I know what I'm doing," Anna said, positioning the glass to the center. "I saw this on Youtube once." When she finished, he eyes became slits. "I can't believe I'm actually getting serious about this, but I want you all to remain absolutely quiet while I attempt to make contact with Weeja. Kratos, I want you to place your fingers slightly on the rim of this glass. This is a co-ed type thing, and I trust you completely, so do as I say." Kratos nodded and did what Anna told him.

Anna took a breath, and began. "Hello, Weeja. We'd like to ask some assistance of you as we contact a spirit. We here all fully know the consequences of what happens if we anger you, and we ask you to help us." She tapped the glass, and muttered, "Portal on." Of course, nothing happened, and Anna continued.

"...Weeja, how many spirits do we have with us tonight?" she asked. The glass that the two were touch began to move, up and over where seven was written. When the glass stopped, Anna sighed. "Is there one around named Tinky-Winky?" she asked, and the glass started to move on 'Yes.' Anna sighed again. "Is he willing to talk with us?" No motion. "May we...?" Soon, Anna bowed her head, and Kratos was half-tempted to break the seal and help her, but then she looked up. Her eyes were spacy, and Anna began to mutter all sorts of nonsense, before she stopped and made at least some sense.

"...hello?" she muttered. "Is someone there? I can't see a bloody thing. Maybe the fire...?"

Kratos looked at Anna--actually, the ghost--oddly. "Tinky-Winky, you died in a fire?" he asked.

The ghost raised an eyebrow, laughing. "Tinky-Winky?" he snorted. "That's the funniest name I have ever heard of! My name is Xavier, and I did die in a fire. I think. Oh, and I'm French, too, and I really like little boy--" Xavier was cut off, and Anna hung her head, and looked back up, and smiled.

"Hehe," Anna chuckled. "I guess we got connected with the wrong ghost. Let me try again." She placed her fingers back on the rim of the glass. "Weeja," she said, "we would like to talk with Tinky-Winky. You placed us with the wrong ghost." After another second, Anna began to be 'possessed' again, and her head looked up. "...hey! I was in the middle of a really long puff, dammit! I don't want to come back to the living!"

Kratos and everyone around him knew they had finally placed the right call. "Hey, Tinky!" Lala said, smiling.

Tinky-Winky looked toward Lala. "...aww, and I thought I had escaped you for good. But, I can't see a blasted thing. Where am I?"

Kratos sighed. "You're in the house."

Tinky-Winky groaned. "Crap. I thought I would never come back, and to top it all off, you're still here."

Lala sighed. "Tinky, we know that Po killed you, we just want to know how he did it."

"Weeeeell, it all kind of happened so fast. I mean, one second I was taking the longest puff in the world, and one second later, I was down on the floor with Po's gun at my face. He kept threatening me that he was going to kill me if I made the slightest sound, so I didn't do anything. But when I tried to get away, Po whacked me in the face with a very hard candle holder, and I passed out after that. I don't know if that's what did me in, or if he killed me while I was unconscious, but whatever."

Kratos leaned closer. "Did Po tell you anything else?" he asked.

He didn't respond for a while, and then nodded. "Yeah. He finished before he knocked me out, '...I'll meet you in the Love Dungeon.' "

Kratos sighed. Not the Love Dungeon again. He then perked up. "Tinky-Winky, you mentioned earlier when you were alive about some Love Dungeon. Where is that, anyway?"

Tinky-Winky shrugged. "Dunno. Kept having to ask Mikey where it is. I have the attention of a mosquito, I'll have you know. Now, if you excuse me, I want to go back to having the longest smoke one could get." And with that, Anna returned to normal, and slumped over.

Kratos leaped over the board to help her out. "Anna!"

Anna weakly smiled. "Don't worry, Kratos. I just remembered that being possessed by a ghost is hard work. You get tired. So, I going...to go...to...slee..." Anna passed out in Kratos' arms.

Lala coughed, apparently irked by the romantic scene one only sees in romance manga. "...wish he'd do that with me," she muttered, and crawled into the bed next to her.

Dipsy stood up, and walked over to the door. "...I'm going to go for a walk. I'm going to leave you two lovebirds alone." He left.

Kratos turned back to the majestic maiden in his loving arms. He thought of carrying her home, but he remembered Summer's threat, and decided to put her in his bed. After all, he didn't need sleep. He sat outside of the door that lead into his room, and waited for the morning.

--

Dipsy walked over to the windmill, where an ominous figure stood, apparently waiting for him. When he walked up to the meeting point, Dipsy sighed. "Good Lord," he cursed, handing the mysterious figure a bundle, "I thought that seance would never end. And when we got connected with the wrong ghost..." He trailed off. He looked up toward the moon, then looked back at the figure. "Hmm. Are you defying the light effects? Or are you just trying to make a more dramatic appearance?"

Po walked out from the darkness. "...what? Didn't it make me more mysterious or what?"

Dipsy sighed. "Not if I already know who you are, Po. And I'm kind of worried about this meeting place..."

Po scratched his head and cocked his gun all at the same time. "What do you mean?" he asked.

"Well," Dipsy sighed again, "you never know if someone's watching you."

Po smirked, and walked closer, patting his appendage that somewhat resembled a hand on Dipsy's shoulder. "Well, we're going to have to clear up any suspicion, my precious."

**(...CLIFFHANGER ENDING!...)**

* * *

**Dramatic, eh? No? Oh well, whatever. I hope you enjoyed it.**

**The massacre begins...**


	8. EX1: KRAAAAATOOOOS!

**I'm sorry, everyone. This isn't Chapter 8. I know, kill me. T_T No, this is much later. According to Anna, two years after Kratos 'appeared', they got married and had five beautiful children. In truth, they just started living together. I can tell you Summer wasn't very happy. **

**This has nothing to do with the original story, just wanted to have a chapter to commemorate the release of Dawn of the New World. I spelled that wrong. : D**

**WARNING!! THERE ARE HUGE DAWN OF THE NEW WORLD SPOILZ! DON'T SAY I DIDN'T WARN YOU!**

**

* * *

**

_In the not too distant future..._

"SQUEEEEEEEEEE!!!"

Kratos woke to an extremely loud squeal. As he slowly emerged from his room, he noticed Anna rolling on the floor. Remembering what she told him about 'Stop, Drop, and Roll,' he quickly muttered an one-word incantation, then cried extremely loudly, "Aqua Edge!"

The water materialized out of nowhere and created a downpour on the entire house, causing Anna to start coughing, apparently having swallowed some of the water. Like in most stupid anime, Kratos' strong emotion to save Anna went into the spell, making the Level 1 spell a Level 9001 spell. But Kratos didn't know that.

He ran over to her, kneeling fown. "Anna!" he yelled over-dramatically.

After a moment, Anna randomly burst into laughter. "I'm glad you remembered what I told you about that," she said, getting up, "but I wasn't SDR-ing. I was FOTF-ing." After a minute of confused silence, she added, "Fangirling on the floor."

Kratos sighed. He was just glad she hadn't tried to set herself on fire again. "About what?" he asked, suddenly OOC and curious.

Anna fished out a small plastic bag from her soaking wet A & F tote bag. She then continued to pull a thin box from the plastic bag. "Good thing it's still got its seal on," she muttered, rubbing water onto her pant leg. She then held it out for Kratos.

The box had two people on it: a boy and a girl, one with blonde hair and the other with a reddish hair. And at the bottom, there was a giant logo with "Tales of Symphonia: Dawn of the New World" on it.

Kratos raised his eyebrows as he looked at the back. "This?" he asked, not exactly satisfied. "And why is there such a picture with Regal's leg as the main point?"

Anna quickly snatch it back, looking at the picture he spoke of. "I didn't notice that," she said, trying not to laugh. "But I guess you don't want to see Lloyd go evil around now." That was all the angel needed to hear to take the box back and fly downstairs, where all of Anna's cheap video game merchandise and systems. It took Kratos about six months to accept the fact that there were little figurines of him all over the basement. But he still hadn't gotten past the Kruan fanart she did.

The Wii quickly read the disc and brought up the little jingle before the game started. Kratos blinked. He was staring at the giant head in the upper left hand corner, who looked like a mirror image of himself, except this look-alike's hair was longer and straight, he had green eyes and wore glasses. He also wore this collar that reminded him of Dist from Tales of the Abyss.

Anna giggled as she sat right next to Kratos. "That's Richter," she said, figuring that would be the first thing he even noticed. "He's pretty badass." She took the remote from him and hit 'Start.'

So played the epic opening. Anna was watching, tears welling up. Kratos sat there, wondering what was going on, and why Lloyd looked completely the same after two years.

The main menu appeared, along with soft, sutle music. That's when Anna started crying on Kratos' shoulder. He just sat there, waiting for her to settle down as his shoulder became soaking wet. Just when she stopped crying she started screaming when the prolouge played.

Kratos blinked. That was his voice. What the hell was his voice doing on this thing...? He had finally understood the concept that he was a fictional character, but this was a little weird. Since when did he start talking about the aftermath of the revival of the World Tree? Since when did he know of this stupid group called the Vanguard who started wanting to kill the Tethe'allans and everyone in the Church of Martel? He wondered if the game producers ever thought about what certain characters would know or wouldn't. But he finally came to the conclusion that they just did it for the fangirls who would have been extremely nit-picky if his alleged voice actor didn't do the narration.

So they played the game for awhile. He actually found it amusing; what was the most amusing was how everyone's voice had changed. Well, except for Colette. And he really hated how squeaky Emil's voice was. He wanted to clamp his ears and do a couple Light Spear Cannons on him. But at least Ratatosk-mode Emil didn't sound like that.

He put down the remote to take a breather and just watch Anna play by herself. But as he watched her thought, _I wonder what's going on over there...._

**(...)**

_Meanwhile, in the New World..._

Emil, Marta, and Tenebrae decided it best to visit the World Tree one last time before they went to the Ginnungagap and stopped Richter for good. But Marta didn't know that Emil was planning on not coming back. As they walked closer to the Tree, they spotted Yuan sitting Indian-style on the ground at the foot of the Tree, with several pieces of electronic equipment, not to mention the doll laying right next to him.

Realizing he was probably alone on purpose, they began to back up when Yuan turned his head slightly. "Oh, Rata--I mean, Emil," he said, turning his body some more to see them better. "Your timing is incredible. Can you help me with something...?"

Marta nudged Emil forward, making him take a step. He sighed and slowly walked over, slightly afraid of what the half-elf wanted from him. As he looked closer, he realized the doll was a girl with long, green hair and leaves for ears. "W-what do you need help with?" he squeaked.

With one hand, he moved the doll out of Emil's view, and with the other he pointed towards the top of the Tree. "Do you see anything above there?" he asked, randomly hitting a switch. There was a brief period of static, then the hazy background turned a slight purple.

Emil nodded. "Yeah, what was that static for?"

Yuan stood up, nodding. "Kratos," he called out, "can you hear me? The connection isn't going to last long." Silence. "Kratos?" More silence. "KRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAATOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOS?"

Emil took five big steps back. "What are you trying to do?" he asked, covering his ears.

Yuan quickly knelt down and grabbed a device with a black controller numerous buttons that was connected to a small, purple cube. As he moved the joystick around, he kept his eyes on the purple-ness, checking for any other colors. "Stupid Gamecube..." he muttered as he kicked the cube.

Emil caught notice of some brown. "There!" he cried, not really knowing what Yuan was looking for.

Yuan gasped, realizing that was Kratos' hair. "OHMAHGODKRATOS!" he yelled in one breath, dropping the controller and pushing Emil out of the way. Looking closer, he saw Kratos, lying spreadeagle on the floor. There was even a slight drool from his mouth. "KratosareyoudeadnowaythatcantbetruewhatsLloydgonnasayafterItellhimhisfatherisdeadohshit."

Emil and Marta blinked. Tenebrae just groaned. "And you think I'm crazy," he muttered, shaking his head.

* * *

**WORST. CHAPTER. EVER. HOMG.**

**I was just wondering what would happen when he didn't show up in DotNW. Remember, Kratos was hallucinating, so he's not really on the set of Teletubbies. And you can see Kratos in DotNW. Namco didn't scrap that from the US version. You just have to play through it once, then go to the Tower of Salvation before the Marta x Emil scene in Altamira. I WAS SQUEALING THE ENTIRE TIME. : D**

**And the game is better than everyone says it is. Sure, it could be longer, but it was still very good. I just hate Lloyd and Zelos' voice. . And Genis = Mokuba. LOL. **

**R&R?**


	9. Wait, People Actually Write This?

**Congratulations, children of the world of Tales of Symphonia fanfiction, we have reached Chapter 8 of Kratos in Teletubbieland, more commonly know between people who know me as KiTTL! I am so happy that you who have decided to stay with for something not too far away from a year, because, as of the last chapter, this story has the most reviews of any story I have! Well, that doesn't exactly say too much, seeing as the rest of them suck badly. I want to find out who you people are and give you great big hugs! No joke! And don't worry, more chapters are soon to follow, not going to end until we're in the double digits. And I will try to include Zelos more! I know he was pretty scarce last chapter, and probably will be this one! But don't worry, he will make a comeback before the story is over! Promise!**

**Disclaimer!!: I do not own any characters, places mentioned, or plot devices mentioned related to the game Tales of Symphonia. I also, (thank God), don't own anything related to Teletubbies or any LSD inspired thing they may have come up with. I do, however, own all my OCs. That's Anna, Michael Lloyd, Summer, and the newest one I have placed on my list, Clive D. Bagg, or can be called Antonio de la Buenta. He changed his name.**

* * *

**Chapter 8: Wait, People Actually Write This?**

The next day, Anna came in extra-early. Like two-in-the-morning early. She was carrying what appeared to be a thin slice of metal. Of course, Kratos was awake, so he spent the wee hours of the morning with her talking about the most retarded NPCs in the game. Dorr seemed to be the worst. For some odd reason, they didn't turn the lights on. Possibly to give this part a mysterious feeling that only deepens the cliffhanger, so that the reader has so much anticipation about the fate of Dipsy, that he or she might write threatening letters to the author wondering what happens next. But one would highly doubt it.

"So, Anna," Kratos muttered, "why are you even here this early?"

She sniffed, apparently hinting it was a sensitive topic. "After I went home yesterday, after the séance, my mom—no, Summer—finally cracked. She began telling me how once upon a time my father and she had a lot of fun one night. But suddenly in the middle of it, she changed the topic to…you."

Kratos blinked. "Me?" he repeated.

Anna sighed. "That is what I just said, right? But anyway, she started ranting about how you were planning to kill her in seven days and go on a homicidal rampage, killing Richard Simmons and throwing his silky pants into a fire pit that offers sacrifices to M. Night Shamylan." She shuddered. "Then, she mentioned Clive got a name change."

"Who's Clive?" he asked.

"Clive D. Bagg. The nerdiest, lamest, most unpopular, needs-to-get-a-life-badly guy you or I shall ever meet. Except for Lloyd. Although I haven't really met him.

"Clive is…a fan of mine. Summer thinks he's ideal for me because he's too dumb to se the date-rape drug, but I just think him as crude and nerdy. He was the president of the Official Star Trek Fan Club for awhile and he has a tattoo of Spock on his upper though. He showed an entire baseball stadium once. For a while, the whole romance thing was sort of like a Cinderella-type thing, given the fact that Clive was the fugly stepsister—" she quietly coughed a 'Robert' out "—and I was the prince. Then, once we left junior high, it got bad."

"How bad?" Kratos asked, silently hoping that this Clive got a sex change as well.

"Pretty bad. He kept putting love notes in my locker, giving me boxes of chocolate with only the coconut ones left and offering to teach me Klingon. He always was my lab partner, which wasn't always a bad thing, only because he helped me when I really didn't get it, until I found out he was making up. But one day, around prom, he left me a condom and a note reminding me that 'no barrier will ever separate us, no matter how small I actually have to buy them for 50 cents at Speedway, in addition to being so lubed up that a handless monkey could use it.' The condom had a huge hole in the package."

Remembering that was how Lloyd was made, Kratos shuddered. "Hopefully this guy left you alone…?" he said, silently praying to himself.

Anna nodded slightly. "But only after a year or two. Once I got into this crappy job, I told him was going to learn abroad in Kazakhstan, and so he bought himself a plane ticket there with the money he took from his dad's wallet. But he eventually must have thought that I went home, so he came home about earlier this month. Summer told him about where I'm working now, and that I hooked up with some other rich billionaire guy that was cruel to me, but I couldn't break up with him because if I did our family would die of starvation and he would have the mob kill me anyway. Which pretty much sounds like a bad soap opera. So, he's going to be on his way later today or tomorrow to challenge you—or, technically, the CEO of a large conglomerate—to the ancient Klingon custom of Arkslah."

Kratos blinked. "What the heck is that?" he asked.

She shrugged. "Beats the hell out of me. I think you have to play Super Smash Bros. Brawl only playing as Captain Falcon while singing 'Never Gonna Give You Up' by Rick Astley on karaoke a machine."

Kratos blinked, not knowing if this was a safe thing to do or not, since he'd never heard of Brawl, or Captain Falcon, and definitely didn't know he was being Rick Roll'd.

**(…)**

Later on, when the sun was starting to peek over the highest high on the set, Lala woke up and turned the pillar on 100 brightness (which blinded Kratos momentarily) and full blast on the bass machine and noise, causing the house to shake like it was in the middle of an earthquake.

Anna walked out of the bathroom. Her normally waist-length chocolate hair had become extremely short, with the edges looking very unprofessional.

Kratos gaped at her hair once his vision had returned to him. "Did you just cut it now?" he asked.

She shook her head. "Nah. I did it before I left ho—OH FOR THE LOVE OF SCIENTOLOGY, LALA, TURN OFF THAT MACHINE!!" The bass machine had gone off again, shaking the house rather violently.

The Teletubbie darted over, turning it on low. "I'm sorry! Dipsy got lost again, so I thought he might hear the baaaaaaaaass and—wait, what did you just say?"

Anna groaned, totally ignoring the question. "You're not a sheep. He's not back yet?"

Lala shook her head. "He does that sometimes," she sighed, sitting on the couch. "He's been gone fore a few days before."

"But with the serial killer loose," Kratos reminded her, although he couldn't care less about what happened to him, "there's a good chance he's dead. Or kidnapped." He added that last part to fend off a rabid Lala, although he didn't care about her, either. "And then there's always Po."

"So!" Lala said, changing the subject. "Did you bring your laptop today?"

Anna nodded, pulling the metal sheet from before onto her lap. "Fresh new batch of good—" she coughed afterwards "—fanfiction."

Lala clapped, plopping her huge mass onto the couch, causing the far cushion to fly off and hit the vacuum in the side, causing it to tip over and knock a few chairs with it. Kratos, for once, almost envied the composite life form. But, he also held his urge to Judgment Lala on the spot for the fifth time today. He bent over the back of the couch, peering over Anna's shoulder.

She quickly erased the picture on the screen, which appeared to be Kratos and Yuan—

Once Anna saw his eyes widening in fear—which she interpreted and hoped it was—she quickly brought up another screen. After hitting some lettered keys, a title came up at the very top: " – Unleash Your Imagination." And it was at this subtitle that Kratos began panicking, wondering what horrors that Anna would divulge into…

Lala peeked. "What's been updated?" she asked, excitement well past its full point (which, for someone with a short emotional range like Lala, wasn't too far).

Anna thought, typed some more, and hit one key. "Nothing off the top of my head," she thought aloud, finger to her chin. "But there is a huge development on the rated 'M' section of Naruto, although that's no huge improvement. Just a bunch of bad OCxGaara or bad NaruSasu fics written by 12-year-old girls who type 'HAWT YAOI' in the summaries." Both shuddered, and Kratos just watched, half not wanting to know, half too scared to want to know.

Anna looked at a small list. "Huh. That one Gash Bell fanfic finally updated. 'Bout time…" After a few more clicks, Kratos began recognizing some name on there. Lloyd. Colette. Yuan. Mithos. His own…and Anna's. But who was 'Kruan?'

Anna once again followed Kratos's gazed to the title of one of the few Kranna ones on the screen and nodded. "Sure, there's a whole bunch of stories of you and Anna. Some even with Lloyd in there. But he's not important; it's just mostly romance." She continued ranting as Zelos, who had apparently entered without anyone noticing—or caring—a few minutes ago, pointed to a title.

"That one," were the only words he said.

Anna looked at the title, giggled, and clicked.

_Kratos stared out the window in the inn._

_He didn't know where these feelings came from. He could barely remember the last time they weled up in side him and they hadn't been as strong. BUT he know they was love._

_All Kratos could think of was himm._

_Genis._

Zelos choked on the Coke he happened to be drinking, spewing some out on the back of Kratos' head. After glaring at the Chosen for a second, he turned back to the computer screen. Anna had already exited out, and she quickly clicked on another link, without even checking the summary, which, unbeknowest to any of them, included the words "HAWT YAOI" in it.

Anna quickly scanned through, and clapped her hand over her mouth, trying to surpress hysterical bits of laughter. She went to go click the back button, but Kratos quickly shot out his hand and stopped her. "Let me read this," he said, almost afraid to say. Anna blushed. Whether it was because the love of her life had just touched her hand or because he suddenly liked badly written yaoi fanfiction, she nor any of the readers would know. Kratos removed his hand, and leaned against the couch, getting a better look.

Most of it seemed pretty dull and boring, so Kratos took hold of the mouse and scrolled down a few pages or so until he found text that caught his interest.

_The Desian had told Lloyd to come alone. Otherwise magnius would kill all of his companions and eat Noishe at the Cruxis Executive Barbecue. With Sweet Baby Ray's._

_Lloyd's nightgown blew in the wind. "What do you want with me?" Lloyd demanded. "I'll fight you to the death if I have to!"_

Kratos sighed, realizing that the writing wasn't completely screwed up, until he read further.

_"Hey," Magniussaid. "I see a penny! Bend over and pick it up!"_

_"Oh, neat!" Lloyd said, bending down to pick up the penny. "Hey...," he said, still in that position, "I don't see the penny!"_

_And in that moment, Magnius was upon him. "The penny is a lie." Magnius quickly pulled up Lloyd's_—

Zelos again choked on his Coke. He gave the can an evil look, then put it down, then stepped about five feet away from the beverage. Lala passed out on Anna's shoulder, who then pushed the composite life-from on the floor, who landed with an unusually large _thud_. Anna then clicked the back button, and scrolled through the fanfiction, pausing every now and then to read the summary, then continued scrolling, not really wanting to click on any of the sites.

Kratos noticed an author's name that caught his interest: LloydIrvinglol. He pointed to the story he saw the ridiculously-overused penname on. Anna sighed, then dejectedly clicked it.

_thar wes this rilli kul gui nemmed Loid nd he hd a swird, rite?!? ND hi luvved Collit. so ah relli relli meen d00d nimed Methos kidnipped Collit bicaz shhi waz teh choozen lol, sso Loid wint 2 safe her! lol Loid nd Mentos gut in a swird fite nd llod winned nd safed Collit._

The rest also had looked like it was actually written by Kratos' seventeen-year-old son. After trying to decipher the horrible spelling and grammar, Kratos found out that the story was actually a SheenaxLloyd fanfiction, with several points where the two confessed their extreme love for each other, except for the fact that they were telling everyone else. And once they actually did get to saying the three thousand, three hundred and eighty-seven-word dialouge between the two, they randomly made out. Out of disgust, sadness, and complete shock, he nodded, allowing Anna go exit out of the browser. She sighed, closing the laptop and turned around, facing the two. Zelos was on the ground, laughing and choking and coughing all at the same time. Kratos just stood there, not really understanding what just happened.

Just as things were getting extremely quiet (except for Lala's loud snores) and awkward, the door conveniently blew open, making everyone jump simultaneously. "Oh Anna, dearie~!" an extremely high-pitched voice rang out as Anna quickly darted to another room.

Clive D. Bagg was upon them.

* * *

**DUN DUN DUUUUUUUUUNNN!**

**That was some of the most epic pieces of crap anyone will read. EVER. Have fun, kiddies.**

**The fanfiction is all creidted to TightropeDancing. Go read The Fanfiction Fanfiction. NOW.**

**It has the KiTTL seal of approval. And then some.**


	10. How Not to be a N1NJ4

****

Welcome back, everyone ! I apologize deeply for not updating, but lots of things have come up since I finished Chapter 8, and unfortunately this went on the back burner. And it's stayed that way for a long time. Heck, this was supposed to be longer than it is. But, I figured I'd let you know I was still alive, so here's Chapter 9. Not much exciting things are going on, except from some very BAD jokes from our newest OC, and even a glimpse of Po. Hmm. What's going on now?

Read and find out. Please.  
Disclaimer :: I do not own anything pertaining to Tales of Symphonia or Teletubbies. Or Culvers. All I own are my OCs, and that's about it. Enjoy, and thanks!

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**Chapter 9: How Not to be a N1NJ4**

Po sat on the side of his Oscar-Meyer-wiener-mobile about 5 miles from the Teletubbie set. After the nearby airport wouldn't let him through the security gate to boars the plane to Las Vegas because of the gun, Po spent half the week in a motel off the high-way. The other half he spent in prison because of "indecent exposure." He though about returning to his home, but then the guy with the huge sword came into his head. Kravos or something.

Ever since Kravos showed up, everything went belly-up. Michael Lloyd started to foam over him, about he would raise the ratings and how _he_ would encourage scientists to cure cancer. And that would Po do? Become a role model for young children and become the spokesperson for the American Cancer Association and Lover's Lane. Although he didn't mind the latter.

But one thing was for sure: he hated Kravos, and Po would be the one to kill him.

With his relatively nonexistent thumb, he flipped open his pink Razor and dialed a number. Bringing the phone to his also nonexistent ear, he talked for a minute, and closed the phone.

Po smiled.

**(…)**

Kratos jumped over the back of the couch in such a way that the resurrected Lala passed out again. He placed his hand on the hilt of his sword; its sheath was hooked onto a belt that fit loosely around the jeans that Anna had bought for him prior. "Clive?" he said, facing the door.

Clive was backwards, but still in the doorway, so the door was still open. He began walking backwards, but looking down Kratos realized he was trying to moonwalk. About two seconds later, Clive tripped on his way-too-low jeans, falling backwards and landing at the angel's feet. His eyes were closed for a moment, then fluttered open. After a minute, Clive giggled. "You have pretty eyes," he said, giggling again.

Kratos merely stared. "Are you Clive?" he repeated.

Clive's eyes widened. He jumped up, doing a spin as he pointed. "Don't _ever_ speak that name again!" He revealed a boom box, and hit the play button on the cassette player. "I have been called by that name, Clive D. Bagg, but I have recently obtained the legendary sword Gugnir for the goddess of wisdom, Beowhoanelly. In return for my valiant quest, she had bestowed a new name for my deeds. It is a name of honor. And name of valor. A name of French fried po-ta-toes and ketchup. I am Antonio de la Buenta!" He too a deep breath, then hit the stop button.

"And you," he continued, "are Kratos Aurion, herald of the ruler of Hell, Inmahnizzle. You have come to my dear Anna to seduce her then user her innocence to power up a cannon to destroy the Klingon race!"

Kratos blinked. "_What?_"

Clive chuckled, sticking out his hip and placing his hand there. "I know she's here. I already checked her house twenty times today, since her parents had to go out for a few of Summer's doctor appointments. And besides, she told me yesterday, when I came back from Kazakhstan. She told me that Anna hasn't been coming home too frequently because you _douche bag_ turned her against her parents, and torched their family car. Don't play dumb with me. I know it was you. You also sent the household several letters, claiming to steal all of their Culvers coupons; because of that, you somehow found out that is the family's major food provider. Thus, stealing their coupons, they would have to pay full price, making them go into bankruptcy!"

Kratos was about to say something, but a door behind him opened. "Quit it, Clive!" Anna demanded, tugging at the hem of her shirt. "Kratos didn't do anything! I'm here of my free will!"

Clive looked shocked. "F-f-f-f-f-free will?" he shrieked. He pulled out a hat that appeared to be paying homage to the movie _Signs_, dropped to the floor, and curled into fetal position.

Anna came right next to Kratos, staring at Clive. "What are you doing now?" she groaned, kicking him where it appeared to be his stomach.

"T-that means I'm too late!" he squeaked, pulling his legs closer to his chest. "He's unlocked the final key seal of the great wolf demon-thing! Now, the earth will be engulfed in flames and darkness for seven days, when demons will flood the earth and exterminate mankind!!!!" There was an awkward silence, until Clive ended with, "I'm serious!"

Lala sat up off the floor. "Did I miss anything?" she asked, looking at Kratos, then Anna (she didn't see Clive, since he was on the floor and the back of the couch only went so low.).

Both shook their heads simultaneously. "Not a thing," Anna replied, shrugging.

"Oi, I'm still down here." A swift foot replied to Clive, connecting with his back.

Anna turned to Kratos. "Maybe we should start looking for Dipsy... he's been gone since last night."

"Maybe he had something to do with it!"

"He should be back by now," Lala said, her voice rising in pitch slightly. 'He sometimes goes out during the middle of the night to take a walk, but for only three or so hours."

"…didn't you say earlier that he sometimes left for a few days?"

"Well," Kratos mused, "he's either—"

"Hey! _Stop ignoring me!_"

"—either he left altogether—"

Anna chuckled. "Can you imagine that? Dipsy outside of the set? That could be one hell of a Youtube video."

"—or," Kratos continued, getting slightly annoyed, "Po got to him." Lala let out a loud wail.

"Don't worry," Anna said, putting an arm around the composite life-form's shoulder. "Kratos is just making assumptions about what might happen. He's not actually saying he thought that—"

Zelos casually walked in. "Hey, darlings," he said, winking at Kratos. "Did I miss anything?"

"Well," Lala chirped halfway through another sob, "Dipsy's missing, and Anna's boyfriend is he—"

"You wouldn't have happened to see him, would you?" Anna interrupted, pinching Lala in the back.

"That's the green one, right? With the stick on the head?"

Lala clapped her hands. "You saw him?!"

Zelos shrugged and pointed out the window. Lala went by it, looked around, and, after a minute, screamed. Anna walked over, and dropped her mouth open, covering it with her hand. Clive, whose hair had been attracted to Noo-Noo and now looked like a tornado had blown-dried it, got up and looked. He clinged to Anna and yelled, "Devil worshiiiip!"

Kratos was the last one to appear at the window. The windmill was a good dozen or so yards from the house, but, with his enhanced senses, Kratos was easily able to see what had happened.

Dipsy was hanging by the neck on the windmill. It was highly fortunate that the show had been postponed—well, cancelled now that two were dead and one was on the run—otherwise the windmill would be spinning, giving the five and the readers an extremely gruesome picture.

Dipsy's limbs were heavily bruised—which looked orange—and looked slightly disfigured; a sign that they were probably broken. The TV was playing a movie. A Chinese guy was jumping between elevators, and regularly panned to a casino. Dipsy's antenna-thing was gone; a second later, and the ex-Seraphim noticed he was hanging by what looked like green rope.

Because the others couldn't see it as well, Kratos related his observations to the others

Lala started crying extremely loudly. Clive tugged on Anna all the more tightly. Zelos, trying to look like he was on the verge of tears, clasped onto Kratos' arm. "Oh, not poor Kate! I can't live without her! Call the Papal Knights!"

"…this isn't Tethe'alla," Anna muttered, finally realizing who was clinging to her, and shoved Clive out of the way. "And I'm calling the police. This is going way too far."

Clive giggled. "Police? If they do not believe in the voodoo, they will find nothing. If they do, they will understand. Pointless to inform the police."

Everyone stared at Clive. "Who's that?" Zelos asked.

"…I don't care, Clive," Anna said, pulling out her cell phone and dialing 911. "I'm still calling them anyway."

About ten minutes later, the police arrived. They haphazardly took down Dipsy, breaking one of the blades. It landed on one of the officers, then fell of the ground, cleaving one of the rabbits in half.

One of the officers walked up to the group, eyeing Lala suspiciously. "Well, we know who did it," he said in an extremely monotone voice.

Anna blinked. "Wait, you already know? What about DNA testing?"

The officer shrugged. "On the victim's back, the words 'I DID IT—PO' were carved. Chances are it's actually him."

Everyone slowly nodded in agreement. Clive blinked, not knowing what was going on. Soon, the last of the investigators were gone, saying that they would catch Po within the week; the evidence was apparently so obvious that a toddler could track him down.

After another minute of silence, Clive turned around to face Anna. "So, like," he mumbled, inching closer, "you really are here because you want to? He's not forcing you?"

She nodded. "That and I still get paid for watching the four—oh, uh, one."

Clive sighed, then pondered for a minute. "That's weird. Your mother told me that Jerk-Face was holding you hostage or whatever."

Anna groaned. "Come on, even you're smart enough to figure out that she lied. Okay, maybe not, but you get the idea."

Lala squeaked. "So like," she said, inching towards Kratos slowly, "what should we do? Should we investeegate ourselves, or let the…the…popo handle it?"

Anna sighed, looking at the Teletubbie rather oddly. "Where did you learn that, Lala?"

She smiled. "I've heard Po use it a couple times after we watch cop shows, like _CSI_ and stuff."

Anna sighed again and put her hand up to her forehead. Clive's eyes bulged, and his mouth dropped slightly. "…I just thought of something," he announced, closing his mouth. When all eyes were on him, he smacked himself in the face. "Why hadn't I thought of it before?"

"What?" Zelos said.

Clive giggled. "Have you ever noticed how if you add 'tron' to the end of a word, it turns into a Transformer's name?"

Anna groaned. Kratos, who didn't know what a Transformer was but figured what Clive said was totally useless, sighed. Zelos, who still didn't know who Clive was, blinked and stared. Lala giggled. "You're so right! That's smart thinking."

Clive cackled triumphantly, until Anna asked, "That's nice and all, but how does this help us in any way?"

He stopped laughing, then muttered. "Joy kill."

"Anyway," Anna continued, ignoring Clive, "I think it'd be best that we just leave things alone until something else happens. And you," she added, turning to the freak next to her, "Clive, you can go home."

Clive blinked. "Me? Why? I've helped out this whole time!"

"…by announcing how to come up with Transformer names? Oh yeah, you've helped out a lot."

He flushed beet red. "W-well, what about junior year in high school when your ex was harassing you?"

Anna sighed. "Clive, you tried to use the Vulcan Death Grip on him, and ended up breaking your nose and Harry Potter glasses."

"Yeah, that's why I got contacts!" In truth, Clive was wearing glasses, and they were taped together haphazardly, making him look more like a hobo.

"…hey, here's a tip, loser," Zelos said, clapping a hand on Kratos' back. "When a lady asks you to leave, you do it. No complaining."

Clive stuck out his lower lip, and his eyes started to well up. "I'll be back!" he bawled, and proceeded to run out the door. But the door was in the completely other direction from where he was running, so he ending up running into and flipping over the machine that made the Tubby Custard. He disappeared from view, and all that was heard was a small, shocked gasp. A minute later, he reemerged and ran the right way, still crying loudly.

"Oh, my," Lala said rather sadly, watching the door close. "Don't you think that was a bit harsh?"

"Not at all," Anna said passively, picking up a couch cushion off the floor and putting it where it belonged. "Anything less than that, he'll think you're just kidding around, and he'll be even worse."

There was a small crash, ether sounding like plates breaking, or a window breaking. A second of looking around, and Kratos saw a small hole in one of the windows. When he turned around, he saw no one was paying attention, ("So lades," Zelos said, thrusting his palm forward, "if you're attacked in a dark alley, aim for the groin or the stomach.") so he walked over by the glass to look for what had broken the window. He saw a small wad of paper, and bent over to pick it up. He unfolded it, and by this time, Lala was lacing her arms around Kratos' waist, Zelos by his legs, and Anna was trying look over his shoulder.

"What's that?" Lala asked, squeezing tighter.

"…not sure," Kratos replied, flipping the paper over and giving it to Anna.

"It's just a few twenty percent off coupons at Culvers," she said, pointing at the paper. "There's nothing on the back."

"Oooh, can we use it!" Lala asked, flailing like a fish out of water. "I'm huuuuungry!"

"What about Tubby Custard? You love that stuff."

"The idiot decided to break it when he flipped over it," Zelos pointed out, jerking his head at the now smoldering machine.

Anna sighed. "Fine. But you can't come with."

Lala threw a tantrum. "Why noooot?"

"Because you don't work very well in crowds. And besides, do you want to be pelted with food trays and the occasional soda?"

Lala pouted, and lunged for Kratos' arm. "Fine, but he stays with me!" However, Kratos had sidestepped, missing the attack and made the Teletubbie fall flat on her face.

Anna stared at the bulky, yellows mass. "How 'bout no. Both are gonna come with." She turned to Kratos and Zelos. "That is, if you want to."

Zelos quickly nodded, spinning around in place. "I need to get out of this place _badly_, and go pick up some chicks! And me and my buddy Kratos here work like this." He crossed his fingers together, grabbing Kratos by the shoulder and pulled him close. "And when some lube gets thrown in the mix, magical things happen, sweetheart. Magical things."

"Oooh!" Lala clapped her hands together. "You mean like Harry Potter?"

Zelos blinked, glaring at Lala for killing the moment. "…sure. I don't even know who that is."

"It doesn't matter," Anna hurriedly said, waving Lala off. "What about you, Kratos?"

"…I suppose I could join you," he said, pushing Zelos off of him.

Anna clapped her hands together, causing the nearby Noo-Noo to spazz out and fall on its side. "Great!" she said, pulling out her keys from her pocket. "Let's get going."

"Waaaaait!" Lala cried, reaching over to the vacuum and putting it back the right way, "I want three double butterburgers, two chocolate concretes, and a large Pepsi. And if it's Diet I'll kick your ass."

Zelos blinked at the threat. Anna simply rolled her eyes and turned to walk out. "Right, right. Anyway," she continued, pulling a grey hoodie over her black recycling tee, "Shall we get going? If we wait, the place is going to be swarming with people."

Lala waved them off. "Bye bye! Have fun!" She giggled, then shot Anna a really odd glare. It was probably sending a message that read "you do anything funny with them and I'll shank you with a turkey baster," as Anna totally ignored the Teletubbie and walked in the direction of the parking lot. The other two soon followed.

* * *

**Thank you for waiting for a full year now for an update. Those of you who still stuck around, anxiously waiting for the next chapter, I thank you from the bottom of my heart. For those who are new, I do hope you'll stick around for the rest of this.**

**Because there's no way in HELL I am done yet.**

**Review, please? Doing so will automatically delete yourself from Clive's AIM list. Even if you don't have one. You'll still be on it.**


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